A Brief Interview with the Prince of Darkness, part 1

A Brief Interview with the Prince of Darkness, part 1

20011222.2254 EST, Fortson, GA, USA

YT = Yours Truly
PD = The Prince of Darkness

YT: Howdy, Satan.

PD: Yeah, whatever.

YT: Um... right. So, what brings you to Earth?

PD: The fact that I've never left?

YT: Weren't you supposed to be, like, reigning in Hell or something?

PD: Hell. Right. How would I supposed to be getting any work done from there?

YT: I guess you have a point. Um, what kind of work --

PD: Quality control.

YT: What?

PD: We're ISO 9002 compliant. It's all in the binder. [tosses YT a fat three-ring binder] QC. Quality control.

YT: [flipping through the binder] There are only two pages in here.

PD: There's really not much to the job description. The phrase "wing it" shows up a lot in the procedural descriptions.

YT: Um...

PD: Basically it's a crock, not unlike every job you've had to date.

YT: Um.

PD: Tell me when we're done.

YT: Gotcha. So, do you enjoy your work?

PD: Very much so. Very much so. [evil leer]

YT: What do you like most about your job?

PD: I'm torn. I'm fond of the sense of admiration I get for the people that pass my tests, but also I like the grim satisfaction of weeding out the useless and the self-serving. The word for the day, boys and girls, is schadenfreude.

YT: But, you and The Big Guy ... You're not --

PD: Work it out.

YT: But --

PD: Press releases for me started to get strange sometime about the fourteenth century. I've never paid them any serious attention. Not my concern.

YT: What do you think about Satanism?

PD: What do you think about your fans and emulators?

YT: What? I have fans? I dunno. Maybe a few stalkers.... I can't imagine fans. They'd have to be very bored. Or nuts. [another evil leer from PD] Okay. I see your point.

PD: Right. I'm just a guy with a job, albeit one I really, really enjoy.

YT: Um. So tell me about the Apocalypse. The end of the world.

PD: Don't elaborate on my account. I know perfectly well what the Apocalypse is. Was.

YT: Er, was?

PD: Was. Not many people noticed. The end of the world came and went. On that day, you had two grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch and did your laundry.

YT: Kali Yuga, Ragnarok.... Are we on the same page?

PD: The Pope's endorsed the theory of evolution and vegetarian dishes are actually starting to be quite tasty. The last rule has been broken. Nothing has to make sense anymore. The jig, as they say, is up. Game over, on to the next thing.

YT: I don't get it. Last rule...

PD: It's over, I tell you. You missed it. 'Tsokay. It isn't like there was a party to which you weren't invited.

YT: It's over....

PD: Right.

[long pause]

YT: What do we do now?

PD: You're asking me? [frowns] Why do anything different? Follow the best idea you have in your head until you succeed, get bored, discover it won't work, or a better idea comes along. And so on. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[long pause]

YT: I have fans?

PD: We're done now, right?

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